This Halloween season, we’ve got a treat for you. We were privy to a private conversation between a local family’s four-legged family members. The feline correspondent is obviously the intellectual contributor in the transcript, and we’ve done our homework by fact-checking his claims. Rest assured that none of what follows is “fake news.”

Doggo: Hey, Cat—did you hear the news? I heard the Smallest Human talk about his Howl-o-ween costume. That means Howl-o-ween is coming up, right?

The Cat: Um, maybe. But, remember that the Smallest Human gets excited about things prematurely. Last year, he started talking about the presents the Fat Bearded Man would bring when it was still the Season of Beautiful Leaves. And, by the way, it’s pronounced, “Halloween,” not “Howl-o-ween.” Geez. 

Doggo: Really? Are you sure it’s not at least “Hallo-weenie”? My dachshund friend next door said it’s pronounced that way.

The Cat: Ugh. No. It’s definitely “Halloween,” and its origin comes from the time when the Big Humans celebrated the end of the harvest on “All Hallows Eve.”

Doggo: Mmm. Hearing “harvest season” made my mouth water. Do you have any snacks?

The Cat: Focus, Doggo. There will be plenty of snacks on Halloween, because both of the Smallest Humans will be trick or treating.

Doggo: I know some tricks! I can do sit, shake hands, and play dead. I’m really proud of the last one—it took so long for the Big Human Who Smells Good to get that one right. Say, “play dead” sounds like a good trick for Howl-, I mean, Halloween, don’t you think?

The Cat: Um, I guess. But for the nine lives of me, I can’t imagine why you let the Big Humans control you. Speaking of dead, keep out of the Smallest Humans’ candy buckets, or you might end up fighting for your life for real.

Doggo: What? But I love candy. What’s the problem with sneaking a few nuggets?

The Cat: Honestly, Doggo, I can’t believe you’ve survived this long without my expert advice. Now, listen up—this is important—lots of the Smallest Humans’ Halloween haul will be chocolate.

Doggo: Yay! I love chocolate!

The Cat: Come on, Doggo! Don’t you know that chocolate is bad for you? If you eat too much, it can be life-threatening.

Doggo: What? Really? How can something so delicious be bad?

The Cat: Doggo, chocolate contains methylxanthines.

Doggo: Methyl-who?

The Cat: Methylxanthines, Doggo. Try to keep up. With chocolate, we’re talking about two potentially dangerous methylxanthines—caffeine and theobromine. 

Doggo: Oh! Caffeine is that thing that both our Big Humans need every morning to be less grumpy.

The Cat: That’s right, Doggo. The Big Humans love it, but caffeine, and theobromine, can make you really sick. A good rule to remember is that the darker the chocolate, the more dangerous it is for you. Did you know that unsweetened baker’s chocolate contains up to seven times more methylxanthines than milk chocolate?

Doggo: What will happen if I can’t resist the urge to snack?

The Cat: Geez—can’t you show any restraint?

Doggo: Of course! I mean—no.

The Cat: Well, then, we’ll need to ensure the Big Humans keep the buckets where we can’t reach them. If you do find yourself face to face with their candy buckets, refrain from pilfering, or prepare for some seriously unpleasant results. 

Doggo: Like what? 

The Cat: Well, it really depends on the type of chocolate that you ate, and the amount you ate. 

Doggo: All. I want to eat it all. 

The Cat: I mean, I’m not advocating that you eat any chocolate, but given your large size, if you eat milk chocolate, you should watch for diarrhea and vomiting. If you can’t fight the urge to eat dark chocolate, you’ll probably feel the effects in your heart and neurologic system, and it may be serious enough to be life-threatening.

Doggo: Yikes! I’ll try my hardest to stay away from both of the Small Humans’ baskets. Unless, of course, they get healthy treats, like fruit. I remember last year when the Smallest Human was complaining about the house that handed out raisins. He called that a “trick” instead of a “treat.”

The Cat: Doggo, no! Don’t you know that raisins are worse for you than chocolate? Raisins, and grapes, cause kidney failure in dogs. You’ll know that you’re in trouble if you start vomiting after eating the forbidden fruit.

Doggo: Ah! The wrath of grapes. I’ve heard of that.

The Cat: Good one, Doggo.

Doggo: Thanks, Cat. You know, the other reason I knew that Halloween was approaching is that the Big Human Who Smells Good put the most ridiculous clothes on me.

The Cat: Honestly, Doggo, why do you put up with stuff like that?

Doggo: Because it makes her laugh. But, she put me in some clothes to turn me into Batman, and though I’ll be eternally grateful for my chance to be a superhero, I have to admit that the collar was so tight, it was hard to breathe. 

The Cat: Wow. Usually the Big Human Who Smells Good is really careful. She should have checked that nothing was too tight, and that the costume didn’t have any beading or loose pieces—because knowing you, you’d probably try to eat them. 

Doggo: You know me so well, Cat.

The Cat: One last thing, Doggo. You know you go crazy when the doorbell rings, so maybe you should hang out in your crate once the trick or treating starts. Although, I heard the Big Humans talking the other day, and they said they were going to get you a microchip in case you ever get lost. 

Doggo: With a nose like this, I never get lost! But a microchip sounds cool. So, the Big Humans will be able to track my movements? 

The Cat: No, it doesn’t work like that. The microchip is a tiny chip that is implanted under your skin with a needle. Don’t worry—it doesn’t really hurt. If you get separated from the house or the Big Humans, and some other Human picks you up and takes you to the big house, your chip will be scanned. As long as the Big Humans remember to keep their contact information up-to-date with the microchip company, you’ll be home in no time!

Doggo: Wow! What will they think of next?

The Cat: I don’t know, but I’m late for my tenth nap, so I’ve got to go. 

Doggo: And I’m late for my tenth snack! Thanks for the chat, Cat!

The Cat: Zzzzz…

Questions about keeping your furry family members safe this Halloween? Contact our team.